I remember

A few years ago my mother died of cancer. She knew, that one day cancer would be stronger than her and she was in her last year of life very often and frequently in the hospital for surgery, treatment. In the course of the disease she changed. She rejoiced over people visiting she couldn't stand years before. She saw the love and values in the people and I think she turned increasingly to her faith.

She dyed her hair no longer.

Once, I remember, she pondered whether to write her youth girlfriend. She had always been talking very loving about her girlfriend and told that they had lost track from each other when they married. She began a letter to her and then finally resigned. "I do not know what I should write, after all these years I do not know how I will explain why I write now."

I no longer lived in the same city as my mother and my visits were comparatively rare. When I saw her the last time alive, she was in the hospital. She was cheerful and had a good mood. Finally, I said goodbye and I threw her a last look. My mother looked back in a way that was different than I ever had seen her. I was puzzled and asked, "Is something going on?"
"No," there is nothing she said. "Wish you well," and she smiled.

Her eyes engraved deep inside me but then I did it aside. A few days later my brother called me. The hospital had reported. If we wanted to see our mother still alive, then we should come. He came over with his car, I had no car and we drove together in the hospital.

My mother was already dead. She lay in her bed on the back. She was still warm and only a few minutes ago her journey had ended. It became clear to me what my mother's last look had meant, as we saw last time. She had known that we would never again see us. She had given me that last look, knowing that her time had come.

When I took leave from my mother an intense feeling arose in me to get along with all people. I occurred to me as if the last wish of my mother had been that their sons should live in peace.

After twenty years that she rests in her grave, the loss is aching me from time to time. It still hurts. In my meditations on the memories of her, today there appeared two pictures. In one picture, I feel a pain filled feeling of a body without any hope of a salvation and in the other picture, it seems to me as if my mother had just died and she is in a mood of a deep pain free peace and freedom , as if she agreed that it is now is over. Both pictures carry for me the feeling of intense certainty.

The death of my mother took her body but there are traces of her soul, her feelings and her light of love in my memories that still exists.


A.V.C. said...

Everything is put to use, nothing is wasted.

Our loved ones does not only live on in our memory; their energy is constantly recreating the universe.

We may recognize them, if we look carefully with an open mind.

Ray Gratzner said...

Dear a.v.c. thank you for this fine point of view.

Liara Covert said...

I love the image of the Northern Lights. We remember those people who light up our lives for the priceless things they do. This is their lasting legacy. It matters in our hearts.

Ray Gratzner said...

Dear liara, thank you for sharing your view.

One Womans Thoughts said...

Absolutely touching and beautiful. Thank you for sharing these memories.